Category: Dating and Relationships
Ok, I saw this on tv yesterday, and I want as many of your oppinions as possible. What do you think about dating someone who already has children. I'm sure some of you are very oppinionated on this subject, so give me some good answers. My view personally is that it's a challenge because the parent is giving up some of their time with the child/children to be with you, and that can cause a lot of animosity twards you as the new person in their parent's life.
Oooo, this one could be fun.
Dating someone with kids is touchy and very much depends on the situation. Does your new partner have full custody, shared custody, limited contact? How old and well-adjusted are the kids? Does your new partner have any hobbies outside of child-rearing?
The one trap that a lot of single parents fall into is allowing their world to revolve around their offspring. Not that I'm advocating neglecting your spawn or anything, but I think it's healthy for parents to have outside hobbies away from their children and vice versa.
So long as the dad - in my dating case, anyway - was a stable parent and still a vibrant person in his own right, it could be workable.
I'll put it short and simple. If I wanted to be a parent, then yes, I'd date someone with kids. The big thing would be, if we had good communication. If we did, then I think any obstacles surrounding the children could be worked out.
Of course, good communication is essential in any relationship, and I personally do not want to be a parent. So no, in my case, I would not date someone who already had children. The issues you described above are very real ones, but it's not what I'd have the problems with.
No no no!
I would have no problem dating someone with kids. I think communication is the key ... communication with the person you're dating, and with the kids.
I'm sorry but I have to totally agree with Jesse here. No no no no no times 100 for me! I'm out of the dating scene here but if I weren't, a man with kids is not someone I would go for. I mean if I had kids of my own and my relationship didn't work out, I would date someone else who had kids too so we could share and have similar experiences. But as of now, I do not have kids and if my current relationship were over, a man with kids would not be attractive to me. Not ever. I have very strong views on this matter. I guess it's because I would never ever want my boyfriend with kids to neglect his children while trying to pursue a relationship. I would rather the man I am with be a dedicated father and to me, it seems like he wouldn't be if he's dating. To me, kids are very important and once I myself have them, I want them to be the center of my world. My time as a teenager having fun and dating would be something I would give up for my kids without even thinking about it and I would respect a man who has the same values as I do. I don't know why but people who have kids who still go clubbing or to bars and do stuff they used to do when they didn't have kids really annoy me. I'm not saying once you have kids your life should be over but I do think that to be a good parent and a good role model, you can't just act like you are 21 forever. I also get really annoyed with parents who move away from their kids to get a better education and leave their kids Behind with their mom to watch for 3 years or whatever so they themselves could get an education. Sure it's good to finish college and get a better degree so you can support your child but then hello? You should have waited if you were going to just abandon your child like that! Grrr! It really makes me mad. It makes me just want to scoop up the baby and love and take care of it myself. Even if they wanted to go to school, they should have brought their child with them and give up dorming and go part time. What I'm trying to say here is being a parent is a full time job. So when I hear that a man has a child, I automatically think baggage that should be avoided. It may be wrong and closed-minded but that is how I feel. I know that if I were the one with kids and single, I'd want a man with kids as well cause burdening a single man with my love for my kids and everything that goes with it is not something I myself would ever do. This is a very interesting topic. Oh and all you singles with kids please don't be offended because it is just how I feel about this situation. :)
The way I see it is as long as the communication is good it can work. My x fiance of three years ago this year had three children from her marriage, and while I give her major kudos for trying, she seemed to have a major problem with discipline. What she considered discipline usually involved screaming and swearing at the kids and spanking them with whatever fel to hand, be it her bare hands or a pancake turner. But god forbid she should actually take away a favorite activity or something like that. That apparently stops them from being little. And she had a major problem with following through when she told her kids she was going to do something. She'd say they had to the count of three to either do or stop doing something and if they didn't they would either get a spanking or, very occasionally, they'd be sent home from whatever activity they were enjoying. But she would get to three but then go back on what she said first. And then once when I grounded the kids, with her full permission I might add (she spent all that time telling me that I had equal parental authority since I was marrying her),, she reacted as though she'd caught me beating them with a big white stick or something. What I'm trying to say is make sure you can both agree on how the kids ought to be raised and that you can communicate. That was one thing Jenifer was very bad about.
Yeah I agree. I want the father of my kids to have the same values as I do about how kids should be raised and how to punish them when they are bad. Not holding the same values would cause a lot of problems in the long-run in my opinion.
Not my cup of tea.
life happens, so even if you aren't looking to date someone and you have kids, that special someone may come along without you even realizing what's happening. so, to those of you who say it's unfair to bring a significant other into the picture, I say sometimes you have no control over the turns life takes. I'm not a parent myself yet, but I'd definitely date someone with kids. I'd make sure to communicate with all involved as to what my role is and other necessary things...but I wouldn't limit myself in saying no on dating someone with kids. to me, limiting yourself in that regard is no different than saying you wouldn't date someone of a different color or what have you.
I don't think you are limiting yourself when you say you wouldn't date someone with kids. I believe you are just avoiding a situation you would rather not deal with. A person with kids has "baggage" that can be avoided if you so desire. I guess I'm a strong believer in "There's always other people in the world." I mean what if you met a married man and found him attractive? I personally wouldn't go for him because he is already taken. You can choose to be with someone and take on their children but it would be your choice to do so. What I am trying to say is why fall for the first person you find attractive? So when you start talking to a guy you will find out things about him. He smokes, (Oh that's a no no!) he doesn't read, (Negotiable!) he's emotionally clingy, (Uh, that's gotta go...) he likes working out, (ooo sexyyy!) He's married, (off-limits!) He's got kids, (Avoidable...) So all these things are popping through your mind while talking to this guy and if I choose to not date smokers, I am avoiding the chance of constantly being around second-hand smoke. Yay for me. Yeah I probably didn't make any sense with all of this but I did have a point when I started. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep so thought I'd find a board topic to post to so I can bore myself back to sleep. haha So yeah. I think it's a matter of choices/standards/what you yourself want and value/blah blah blah!
Precisely. I won't say I've never been tempted by a married woman, particularly one who wasn't happy in her situation, but I'd never go for that. But I try not to limit myself since as others have said you really have no control who you fall for, although my x girlfriend Chelsey maintains that she does. And here she fell in love with a man sixteen years older than she was, who was sighted I might add. She spent those months looking for an excuse to walk away. And it really wasn't even the age difference, although she was a little worried about that. It was more the fact that this guy was fully sighted.
I've never dated anyone with kids. I've never had the opportunity, mostly because if people my age are having kids, hmm.....I'll just leave it at that. Anyway, I've been the kid in the situation before though.
What I'd be careful about is, like many have said here, communication, but also how your possible significant other gets along with the other parent of the kids. If they have a really rocky relationship and can't seem to get over screaming at each other, which was the case for my parents, it might be a little awkward for you. Some people are totally okay with that, and if you are, then by all means go for it, but I'm sure my stepdad felt really awkward when my parents would talk about....You did this, and you did that, in front of him. I really don't think either of them meant to make him feel awkward, but....yeah.
IF WERENT MARRRIED i WOULD DATE SOMEONE WITH KIDS I have no porblem with it.i WAS ENGAGED ONE TIME TO A GUY WHO HAD BA KID BUT IT DIDN;T WORK but it was ok
I used to date a woman with kids, it worked out for a long time, but I kept having thoughts of myself and her having another child, and ultamently it didn't work out. It seemed like their was always drama betwene the woman that I dated and the childrens father and new wife, I couldn't handle it after a while, we broke it off eventualy. I think it could work, but I want a family of my own so I don't know if I would try it again.
Michelle, I could not agree with you more. I'm on the same page as you about everything in your post.
As for poster ten, whoa! That last sentence there compared two very dissimilar things. I personally would never date a person who had children because children is not something I want for myself. I don't like them, being around them, or talking to them. They are disgusting, loud, immature, and too much work for no benefit. And pregnancy and/or caring for a baby are just two experiences that I never will have. Neither of them look like anything compared to a day at the office, so those are totally exed off my list of long term goals.
You go girl; can't stand those crying screaming pissing shitting little brats! No? Kids! Not mine or anyone elses! If they're older like teenagers maybe. I still don't like the idea of becoming mommy though, no matter how old they are.
My fiance has 4 children, but they do not live with him.
there are a lot of issues, because 2 of them seem to have issue with me being with their father, but he's not backing down, so neither am I.
I haven't an issue with it, it doesn't change him being the man I love.
I'll give it from a parent's perspective. Personally if I was a divorced or widowed parent, I probably would forgo trying to reconnect with someone who was looking to get married. Marriage would be a risk for everyone...some stepparents aren't patient as these aren't "their" children, and sometimes it isn't the stepparent whose the problem but the child, who doesn't want to accept anyone but the biological parent in their lives.
If I was the parent in this scenario, I would love to have strictly a male platonic friend or even one of those "friends with benefits" that I saw on a sexual level when my daughter was with her dad or a sitter. Also I wouldn't expect a third party to run around after my very young child or put up with the toxic family dynamics between me and my mom; by comparison to that the ex would be a treat to deal with. That's one of the disadvantages of dating a parent...you have to deal with his or her ex unless they're widowed parents or the other parent has totally abandonned ship. Also if you're a woman dating a noncustodial dad they may not have much money to spend time with you if they're paying both their own living expenses and someone else's, they have one or more children to spend time with, so they may or may not have much time to spend with you.
If they're divorced was it amicable or nasty? How is that person taking it? Have they accepted it and moved on, or are they still causing drama in their x's life? How is the man or woman you want to date responding to a toxic ex's persistence? Can you get along with any children? Do you realize if you marry, unless you adopt any of their children as yours, if the relationship fails or the person dies, you have no say in where they go (usually with a biological relative?). Even if these are kids you really enjoy and have put a lot of time into, this is the reality of it. Each scenario and every individual is different, but this is some "food for thought" both for parents and those considering dating them.
I personally agree with those who say communication is the key. I've seen some situations work, and I've seen some don't. What's tough (from the kid's prospective) is when your Dad is seeing/living with someone and having more babies, and she can't stand you...That sucks. LOL, but like I told her..."I was here first, like or not, and I'll be here when he finally gets smart about you." It's the truth. She's gone, and I'm still his daughter. Anyways, if I weren't already married, (matter of fact when we started our relationship I didn't know if he were a Dad or not), whether or not a man has kids doesn't/didn't matter. What matters is how he/she takes his responsibilities...If he's a dad who just walked away than he ain't the kind I want. However, whether or not he has full custody if he takes his kids seriously and loves and tends them then he strikes me as a responsible, caring guy, so why not? But than again, I love kids...
I think i would give a guy with kids. a try. i likekids. they are gggreat. to have aaround. etc.
If i was single i would consider dating a guy with ONE child. As i myself have a child too. But most likely i would prefer if they didn't. Although when i was single & no baby i did meet two guys at different time with kids & honestly it didnt bother me. But now it would be weird because there are a lot of crazy controlling baby mamas out there lol. And that is too much drama for me that i don't need.
I understand that POV too. I had a guy friend some years ago who married a parent of more than one child, and he wasn't much fond of these kids. They adopted a child together, and he was at his last straw when he found out one of his step kids bullied their adopted daughter and took her and divorced that wife, who expended less time and energy on this child than he did. A child's risk with a stepparent is enough of a risk, any stepsibling is a risk, more than one? That's more of a gamble.
I won't say no to this topic. I do have kids even though they aren't living with me. and as I love kids, I'm ready to date a woman with a kid of course. but I must talk to that kid and I do wanted to see how far he or she is accepting me. I think it'd be wonderful, if that kid is also accepting a new person coming in. or, if the kid is less than 5 year old, it's not a problem at all I guess.
Raaj.
I don't want kids, so why would I date someone who already has them? that's my take on it.
kids can cause a lot of problems and although communication is the key, how to you get the kids of your significant other to like you if they don't know anything about you. Afterall, you are just a stranger to them and just because your dad is dating them doens't pbligate you to like them.
Definite no for me as well. too much bagage and can create friction if the kids don't end up liking you.
I have absolutely no desire to ever have kids, so no, I would not knowingly date someone who already has them.
I personally would have also said I wouldn't date someone who has kids once upon a time. However, now I have a baby boy and I can honestly say that dating someone with kids no matter how you look at it is a very hard and touchy subject. Even now if I were single I understand that my dating options have somewhat dwindled because I now have a little boy and lets face it people especially ones that have never had kids and don't want them don't want to deal with what could be potential baggage. Even if I dated someone who had kids however, I see even more baggage there because the kids are all in the balance and it's a very delicate balance to keep.
I use to be a single parson and beforee I got married to my my husband I never thought that I would have a child with him.
I never even thought that I would have to take care of some one else's child.
I do mind it now cause I have been with this person for about 3 years going on 4 in july.
Every has there own opions about some on that has kids.